Supporting Neurodivergent Loved Ones
Experts in the College of Education and Human Development share guidance for supporting neurodivergent family members during the holiday season
The holidays are a joyous time for many, as families come together to enjoy festive dinners, engage in beloved traditions and make new memories. But the holiday season can also be a challenging time for neurodivergent people and their families, who may struggle with the break from normal routines and the pressures of social expectations.
University of Delaware experts in the College of Education and Human Development (CEHD) and its Center for Disabilities Studies (CDS) are here to help families support their neurodivergent loved ones. Sarah Curtiss, CEHD assistant professor, Alisha Fletcher, director of CDS’ Delaware Network for Excellence in Autism (DNEA) and Sarah Mallory, CEHD assistant professor and associate director of CDS, share guidance for parents, caregivers and community members.
Q: Why can the holiday season be challenging for neurodivergent children and adolescents?
Sarah Mallory: Neurodivergent people are often navigating a world that was not built for them. Autistic children and adolescents may have sensory differences that make loud noises or bright lights uncomfortable. They may thrive with routine and find that unpredictable holiday schedules deviate from the structured days they prefer. Attending social events and activities may make neurodivergent people feel the need to mask or hide aspects of their disability, such as social differences or self-stimulatory behaviors (calming repetitive actions). These experiences can be exhausting or distressing for a neurodivergent person, and frustrating because they can see others enjoying holiday gatherings without the same difficulties. Being aware of how neurodivergent children experience the world allows us to make small adjustments to our home and gatherings to ensure that all our loved ones can enjoy the magic and excitement of the holidays.
Q: How can parents and caregivers support their children during this time?
Alisha Fletcher: Parents and caregivers can help by preparing ahead for the holiday season, preparing visual supports that reduce uncertainty, creating sensory-friendly spaces and staying flexible. For example, a parent or caregiver could create a visual schedule for the week leading to family gatherings. The schedule might include pictures representing each activity, such as decorating the home, visiting relatives and opening gifts. A quiet corner could be set up with soft lighting and noise-canceling headphones, where the child can retreat if the environment becomes overwhelming. These strategies can help a child feel more in control and reduce stress from changes in routine. Monitoring signs of stress, allowing breaks and maintaining familiar routines while staying flexible can also ensure a more positive and manageable holiday experience for the whole family.
Q: What could a family member or friend do to support a neurodivergent guest at their home during the holidays?
Sarah Curtiss: Each neurodivergent person is different, so asking them or their caregiver what they need to be comfortable can be helpful. If your neurodivergent loved one has a special interest, incorporating it into the event can be a little way to show that you’re thinking of them. For example, if your guest is passionate about trains, you could add a small train among your home decorations. You could also consider adjusting your social expectations for how your neurodivergent guest interacts with a group or participates in holiday dinners or gift-giving activities. For example, some neurodivergent people need a break from social interaction, but still want to stay with the group, so they use an iPad or wear headphones. That doesn’t mean they’re not engaging—in fact, it’s the opposite! Similarly, the ritual of gift-giving has many social expectations for both the giver and receiver. Things like expressions of gratitude may not look the way you expect, but that doesn’t make them less meaningful.
Q: The holidays may be stressful for the parents and caregivers too, since schools and other support services may be closed. Do you have any suggestions for parents and caregivers for reducing stress?
Sarah Curtiss: The greatest piece of advice I can give to parents and caregivers is the hardest to follow — taking care of yourself during the holiday season. This is especially difficult because you’re working with fewer resources during the holidays, with greater expectations and outside of your usual routine. One of the ways to take care of yourself is to hold onto the traditions that you enjoy and let go of the ones that you don’t. It’s okay to say no, set boundaries, do things in your own way and ask for help. Finally, we all manage the stress of the holidays because of the warmth and connection they bring. Whether you had a perfect day or it felt more like the Griswolds, articulating what you’re grateful for and what brings you joy actually reduces stress and promotes wellbeing.
Resources for families
CEHD’s Center for Disabilities Studies provides many resources for autistic people and their families, including assistive technology supports and a range of resources offered through the DNEA. For example, the DNEA offers a holiday and special events workshop and resource guide that explores why the holidays can be challenging for autistic individuals and provides practical strategies for reducing holiday-related stress. Spots are still available for the DNEA’s next workshop, “Supporting Your Child Autism During the Holiday Season,” on Dec. 18, 2024, at the Brandywine Hundred Library in Wilmington, Delaware.
To learn more about CEHD research in disability and inclusion, visit its research page.
Article by Jessica Henderson. Photo by iStock.